random quotes that attracted my appreciation

Some rainy winter Sundays when there's a little boredom, you should always carry a gun. Not to shoot yourself, but to know exactly that you're always making a choice.
Lina Wertmuller

I fell asleep reading a dull book and dreamed I kept on reading, so I awoke from sheer boredom.
Heinrich Heine
German critic & poet (1797 - 1856)

(I actually did that this afternoon. . .except I dreamed myself into the book, made it more exciting, and then woke up, because it was STILL stupid and dull!)

Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
Heinrich Heine (1797 - 1856)

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson (1939 - 2005)

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown

(I think my three best friends are fairly normal. . .oh crap)

The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world if they had been obliged first to learn Latin.
Heinrich Heine

There are more fools in the world than there are people.
Heinrich Heine

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
Scott Adams (1957 - )

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Unknown, Hanlon's Razor

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
Voltaire (1694 - 1778)

When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable.
Clifton Fadiman (1904 - )

(how is this guy not dead yet?? Creeeepy)

Travel is only glamorous in retrospect.
Paul Theroux (1941 - ), in The Washington Post

Oh! Do not attack me with your watch. A watch is always too fast or too slow. I cannot be dictated to by a watch.
Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Mansfield Park

Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

So little time and so little to do.
Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972)

Doing a thing well is often a waste of time.
Robert Byrne

What may be done at any time will be done at no time.
Scottish Proverb

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
Fran Lebowitz (1950 - )

(so so true)

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary

Common sense and sense of humor are the same thing moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
Clive Jones

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
American Proverb

EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_.
Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Childhood, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary


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